Is Your Story — Told or Untold — Holding You Back from a New Story?
I’m writing to you today in service of better stories — yours, mine, and the ones we’re here to co-create. After all, the subtitle of my book Transformational Speaking is: If you want to change the world, tell a better story.
Oh, the stories we tell!
- There’s the “signature story” we tell from the platform that defines us (and can become the very thing that holds us back.)
- There are the stories we hold in silence and are afraid to speak. They need to be told — not to an audience, but to someone who can truly hear us — so we can heal and move forward.
- And then there’s the new story, beckoning us to the possibility that awaits.
Recently I heard from two clients — both from 2015 — whose stories are changing. Our renewed connections reminded me of the deep privilege it is to witness new stories as they begin to take form and how agonizing that process can be. We’re attached! These stories — and the identities they’ve shaped — have often carried us to the pinnacle of success. So why must they change just when we think we’ve arrived?! (And really, how could we ever “arrive” when life itself is in constant motion?)
How Our Stories Can Trap Us
Our stories carry the message we hold dear and our lived experience demonstrates we’ve earned the right to speak. In public speaking, your “signature story” becomes how you’re remembered. That can be powerful — but also limiting. Is it possible the stories you tell have become prisons that keep you locked into who you used to be instead of opening the door to who you’re becoming?
The Stories We Don’t Want to Tell
“Wherever you are is called here, and you must treat it as a powerful stranger . . .”
That line touches me every time. Often the truth about where we actually are in our lives is the story we don’t want others to know. It may reveal that we’re not on top of our game. It may not show us in the best light. It may expose a broken heart to even more vulnerability. So we stuff the truth and pretend it isn’t real or important. We forget we’re all members of the Scar Clan!
After all, this too shall pass. And yet, when we silence our story, we often suffer from the weight of pretending we’re someone or somewhere we’re not. That’s when we become strangers to ourselves and wonder, Where did I go? We lose our aliveness and our connection with ourselves — and as a result our connection with our audience.
The Wisdom of Being Heard — and Listening Fully
There’s a teaching I received from my beloved friend and mentor, cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien:
This isn’t about shutting someone down. It is about recognizing that repetition creates neural pathways that can become our identity. It takes courage to ask to be heard. And it takes time and commitment to honor another person’s experience by listening fully — without advice or trying to fix the situation. When you’re willing to witness someone in this way, it becomes a gift of presence that allows them to release a story rooted in victimhood that could easily define them forever.
I won’t minimize those devastating and non-negotiable events that upend our lives and pull us down into the well of grief and loss and WTAF? Yet in today’s cultural landscape, with so much emphasis on trauma, I sometimes wonder: are we doing ourselves a disservice? Yes, the things that take us down must be felt — fully. But it is equally true that being deeply witnessed — three times, as traditional wisdom suggests — can begin the release.
That’s why our full presence — our capacity to listen to another without interruption, advice, or agenda — is a sacred service. It allows the story to move and evolve.
Healing Through the Full Story, Told and Witnessed
I’ve experienced this firsthand. I’d left a relationship, heartbroken and reeling, my dream shattered. My self-talk became a broken record of loss and shame, and pieces of the story leaked into every conversation. (Being around me had to have been an act of kindness.) Then a friend said, “Tell me the whole thing,” and she listened. On a 5-hour road trip, she never once interrupted me or tried to dry my copious tears. She stayed present and didn’t offer solutions. That night allowed me to get it out and be fully expressed. It was the beginning of healing.
Another time, a student in one of my programs gave a similar gift to a friend. She saw the struggle and simply asked, “Will you tell me the whole thing?” Her friend did — through the night. By morning, she was radiant. She was freed by the telling, and being witnessed allowed her to release what had been held too long in silence.
We don’t need to share our deepest stories with everyone, but we do need to tell them — no more than three times! — to someone who can hold them with love and without judgment, advice, or the urge to fix.
Then we reflect, integrate, and grow.
Ultimately, we heal — and in that healing, we discover a story no longer defined by what happened to us, but by who we’ve become.
That’s a new story worth telling!
From Personal Story to Collective Awakening
The world needs our presence, our love, and our vision. We can’t bring those forward when our energy is stuck in what happened to us. Healing frees us to participate in something larger — to co-create the story the world most needs now.
It’s a really big game we’re being asked to play these days. May the pull of what’s possible be strong enough to let the pain of the past recede. May we bring our collective energy to the greater story that is ours to live and to tell.
You’ve heard it before and I’ll say it again: We were born for these times!
Presence or Perfection? Why Your Most Powerful Talk Can’t be Scripted
I’ve spent years helping others find their way back to the truth beneath the script. As I walk that path myself, this blog post offers two reflections:
- The Trouble with Scripts
- Where My Unscripted Life is Leading Me Now—and your invitation to join me!
Recently I witnessed a speaker who showed up with a beautiful script. A page was missing and she proceeded to “lose it.” A blank stare, then panic.
I’ve often witnessed that “losing it” is the beginning of “finding it”, although the speaker usually doesn’t experience it that way! That’s what happened here. In losing her place, she found herself in the moment. Only then did those of us in the audience feel something real happen and begin to relate to what she had to share.
One More Transformational Speaking Immersion! Santa Fe May 8-11
I’m sending this email to my entire list, including beloved clients and those I have yet to meet. Many graduates return to the Immersion years later when things are changing—and change is definitely afoot! Here’s how life and work are shifting for me, and I invite you to join me to get out of jetlag of your own life and catch up to who you’ve become and explore what wants to speak through you now!
One More Immersion. May 8-11, Santa Fe.
In December I celebrated my 8-OH! and it is actually the first birthday that seized my attention as a significant number! I understand the blessing of a long life and the opportunity it provides to review and reflect. As I do so, I recognize I have gifts to continue to bring to the world that are needed in these transformational times. Yet how might that form change as I embrace elderhood? And embrace it I do!
An emergence story for these times … and all of time
Once upon a time I was working with an extraordinarily gifted woman and seer who had an image of me standing on the edge of a cliff. I was looking across a wide divide where I could not see my way to the other side, and a step forward would lead to certain death. But I was not alone. I had two allies supporting me: a skunk at my left foot who was creating a boundary so I would not step over the edge, and a hawk on my right shoulder.
As I stood there, I was blowing kisses to an unknown future. The hawk would follow the energy of those kisses, fly across the horizon, and return with what I was to know. Only then could I act.
It’s Holy Fools Day! Let’s Ditch Deadlines and Grab the Lifelines
I can’t let April 1 pass without greeting you! I know you’re out there and sensing at a deep level that–somehow, some way–we are in the awakening of a lifetime. And that we’re being asked to make history, not just watch it.
If you’re not yet familiar with Holy Fools Day, it was inspired by Joseph Campbell’s statement that the Holy Fool is the most dangerous person on earth and the most threatening to all hierarchical institutions. Holy Fools follow their own inner compass to do what needs to be done and do it, no matter what. Their actions make a difference in creating a more just and sustainable world in support of all of life. Since 2014, I’ve been hosting annual online events to shine light on the inspired action of Holy Fools in the Transformational Speaking community. (Meet them here.)
Now here we are at April 1, 2020, and I’m postponing the Holy Fools Challenge (and the grand prize that will thrill you … stay tuned.) Because the truth is, I am unable to whip up my annual Holy Fools fervor and face a deadline. My fierce and feisty oscillates to flat and feeble and–thankfully! sometimes!– back to festive. I’m deep in the Well of the JourneyWell® wheel as illustrated in my March 20 message to you about “A New Rhythm for New Times.” It’s time to grieve and withdraw for a bit to reflect on and integrate this non-negotiable life experience that has upended our lives. Continue reading
A Raucous Holy Fool’s Day to One and All!
Holy Fool’s Day
April 1 is the day to find your voice, speak your truth, and shake things up. Forget the pranks and silly antics of April Fool’s Day. Become a Holy Fool!
Each year I remind you that this is your day to speak out. Here is last year’s post to inspire ideas for the outer expression of your inner Holy Fool.
Comparative mythologist Joseph Campbell talked about the archetype of the Holy Fool. The Fool is the most dangerous person on earth, Campbell explained, the most threatening to all hierarchical institutions. He has no concern for naysayers, and no one has power over him (or her). She is not limited, not stoppable, nor controllable. She knows what she has to do and is doing it, no matter what. Continue reading
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